This isn’t going to be entertaining.
As I continue to walk the “desert”, to say that I have ‘writers block’ would be a major understatement, and a disservice to those of you who are busy with actual things, like, you know, jobs and shit.
I could waste your time and say that I have been busy, and that is why I have been neglecting the blog, but the truth of the matter is, I haven’t been doing anything. Ok, ok, that is not entirely true – I did start seeing a therapist (again). I also got a job and quit it within a week and a half of starting. So there IS that… (long story)
Is it bad that while I’m writing this, I’m just thinking about what I’m going to make for dinner? (chipotle shrimp tacos w/ sautéed veggies and rice) I know, right?!?!
Any way, back to the “blog”. Even thought I’m obviously going through some shit right now, and will likely come out the other side a different person than I was before, it DOES seem to continue to be my M.O. to be excruciatingly genuine. To elaborate, I’m talking about that type of genuine that a lot of people who are blessed with the skill of diplomacy call a lack of tact, or, bluntness.
Shall we carry on? So, it seemed like a perfectly logical thing for me to return to my outrageous title of Ballbag and Taint. I may not be the angsty teen that I once was, but I still enjoy some crude comedy, and this old title is near and dear to my heart. Inspired by the one and only Bill Burr, during one of his podcasts in which he used the term all willy-nilly, like he does, endearing me to the various ways in which you can refer to male genitalia. I just thought it was hilarious!
So, even though I may not be producing much of anything right now (except, maybe, for gas), I’m going “back to black” as I continue to wander, trying to figure out what my next moves are. So, bear with me. This post may be a little long-winded and plot-less, but in the end it will at the very least shed light on where I am, and where I might be headed.
I’m back to thinking about school. To be honest? I’m not ready for the whole day-job thing. I haven’t found “my thing” yet, and I’m done trying to be one of those smart, practical types that just takes a job because they need one.
Yes, I know, I don’t live within the realm of reality.
I just, sadly, cannot waste my time doing things that I don’t like doing, or that won’t teach me something new that will help me reach my goal(s). I’ve said it before, to most people’s horror – I would literally rather do NOTHING but sit, and think, than spend an hour with a price gun, pricing items on a shelf, getting paid minimum wage. I know, it’s crazy. It, like my odd love for crude humor, is something I just cannot shake.
So my goal remains – find a profession that works with my personality. Comedy? Journalism? Entrepreneurship? Hard to say. I’ve considered so many things, but have yet to move forward with anything. So, I’m back to considering writing or editing. For which I would want to go to a local University. Likely English with a minor in either psychology, philosophy, creative writing, or anthropology. Something like that.
I have no idea how University works…
I just feel like I’m behind in some ways. Like, I need to get back in to a learning environment and take work completely off of the table. Try to loosen back up and have some fun, so that I may stumble across a career path in an organic way. Writing has been one of the things that, while I have not been consistent with, has been with me since childhood. I have always had good grades in my English and Writing classes, and I enjoy it. I even enjoy editing other people’s work!
If I do go to school for English, with say, a minor in Creative Writing, I imagine that could open the door for me to do all kinds of things. Content management. Editing. Writing graphic novels. Or freelance writing for a website (mostly opinion pieces). Who knows… I am not at a point where I can really trust myself to follow through with anything, so for my own sake I’m going to say -this is all talk. There are so many things I have said that I’m going to do, but it always changes.
As for the fun stuff… I’m looking very forward to rediscovering my love for camping this coming August. We’ve booked 4 nights at a childhood favorite – Balsam Lake Provincial Park (shout out!) I’ve been busy planning ever since. I’m so excited for all of it. I MAY write a second blog on that, maybe a 3-parter, documenting the process, just in case anyone has never gone before and wants to learn the do’s and don’ts of tent/car camping.
In the mean time, the new therapist that I have been seeing is actually quite wonderful. She specializes in adoption/helping adult adoptees, as well as creativity and work. Seems almost perfect, doesn’t it? Next week we will be talking about school and my relationship with work. You know, what might be the best course of action for me considering that MOST of the time my confidence is almost non-existent, and, well, let’s just say my decision making skills are pretty poor right now. So I need some help to get on with things.
Other than that, not much is new. I have given up on work – I’m sure some people will be displeased to hear that, but this is just where I am at. I have wanted to go back to school, particularly to University, and stretch my learning muscles again, get back in to that environment where I can “try” some different things, and make mistakes. Where I have access to a counsellor, and I can drop classes, add classes, change my major, what have you (not to say that it would come to that). But I honestly don’t know what I want anymore, and I feel like I have spent a lot of time trying to be something I’m not, and I’ve literally exhausted myself in the process.
Some part of me has been trying to tell me for a long time that I’m not ready. It has been telling me to take a step back and become a student again, because in every way, that is what I am right now. So I’m just going to hang tight and see what happens. I’ve not given up – and I think that is something I have to remind myself of every day – that I have, in fact, done quite the opposite, and have held on tight to my own worth and to what I want for myself.
Until next time…
Ballbag & Taint 