As we drag ourselves, wounded, exhausted, and confused into 2017, I can’t help but be reminded of a song that really struck a nerve with me when I heard it back in, oh, when would that have been? You know what, let’s not worry about the when. Here it is.
(seeing as I can’t add a video URL, just pretend there is a video playing here, or better yet, go to Youtube and look it up, it’s a beautiful song)
Puscifer – Momma Sed
Wake up, son of mine
Momma got something to tell you
Changes come
Life will have its way
With your pride, son
Take it like a man
Hang on, son of mine
A storm is blowing up your horizon
Changes come
Keep your dignity
Take the high road
Take it like a man
Listen up, son of mine
Momma got something to tell you
All about growing pains
Life will pound away
Where the light don’t shine, son
Take it like a man
Suck it up, son of mine
Thunder blowing up your horizon
Changes come (Changes come)
Keep your dignity (Keep your dignity)
Take the high road (Take the high road)
Take it like a man (Take it like a man)
Momma said like the rain (This, too, shall pass)
Like a kidney stone (This, too, shall pass)
It’s just a broken heart, son
This pain will pass away
I think it’s safe to say that 2016 surprised us all with its seemingly ravenous hunger, and penchant for chaos. Not only did it take the lives of many, some of which we can all agree were way too young, but many of us were also on the edge of our seats for the better half of 2016 just waiting for the US election to be over with.
I cried the morning after the election. This isn’t something I’ve talked too candidly about with anyone, but it hit me hard. I know I’m not an American, but I have friends who are, and they are good people. However, the reason I found the results of this years election so difficult, was the message it appeared to shout loud and clear across the entire globe; that we’ve still got a long way to go, and fear is still an extremely powerful weapon.
I don’t know about you, but I grew up with a general sense that the world was well equipped for progression. Things had gotten better since my Grandparents time, and appeared to continue in that direction. I never thought that we could go from tears of pure joy from the results of one election (Obama), to tears of despair and confusion the next.
It may seem very dramatic to some, but to me, the fact that so many people chose a clearly corrupt, self-centered, bigoted and sexist douche-bag of a business man over a woman who has worked so hard her whole life, who may indeed have her flaws but is none-the-less trying her best, is heartbreaking. Something about it just screamed “WE STILL HATE WOMEN”, and the worst part was that many of those voters were women… Maybe that should read “WE STILL HATE OURSELVES” – but that’s a topic for another time.
On a more personal note…
2016, for me, was also a very tough year in general. We lost my Grandmother, my Mother’s Mother, only a year after losing my Grandfather. This was our first Christmas without her there. In the past, there were very few Christmas’ in which she wasn’t there, her warmth settling over us all, her light making everything sparkle just a little bit more.
I have a confession to make: I still don’t get it. Death. All it does is churn up nothing but raw child-like despair and confusion in me. There have been many times this year that I have cried and silently asked, why? Where did he go. Where did my Grandmother go? How can that be IT? I don’t think I’ll ever feel any differently about it. Somehow, all of my life, and even still, death always seems to me like such a waste. A tragedy, no matter the circumstances. I will always miss them…
Well, that’s enough of that. Any more and I’ll be a trembling pile of human, with a tear-soaked cat in my lap, desperate for freedom.
On the home-front, we also conclude this year jobless (both myself and my partner). We anxiously await what we hope is good news about his job prospects, but I continue to float in a sort of purgatory of after-career suicide (or maybe it just died of complications during surgery?). The only thing I KNOW now, is that I have a long road ahead of me in order to rebuild my confidence, and to rediscover the part of me that used to dream up fantastical stories, and see the whimsy and the good in life, and in myself.
I know, I’m such a downer… It doesn’t paint the greatest picture of a wholesome “fresh start” heading in to the new year, and I think, folks, that I’m going to have to just accept that. I’m just not feeling overly optimistic, but I do have a plan. I think it may be a while before I can sustain the spirit and the energy that I used to seemingly have in spades, but that’s OK. I’m applying to my alma mater for Graphic Design – with the end goal being self-employment – possibly résumé writing, editing and design for private clients.
I am not over-the-moon excited, just because of all the heavy shit that has been going on, but I AM excited. I look forward to learning some new skills, and although I am gun-shy of getting my hopes up, I do hope the experience helps me to rebuild my confidence. I will certainly need it if I am to do my own thing afterwards. In the mean time, I’ll be trying to shake this conflicting, cold feeling of being alone at the edge of the world – you know, that strangely comforting mix of stillness with an unsettling undertow of it just being the calm before the storm? Something tells me, though, that I’m not alone in feeling like that this New Years.
Ballbag & Taint 