Well…

And here we are again, unemployed, with another failure under our belt. I think it’s safe to say that – IF I am going to be able to keep any sort of job, or move forward in any way, it is going to take a lot of work.

I don’t want to say that I’ve given up, because I don’t think I have, but… OK, let me tell you what happened first. I did get accepted into college for Graphic Design, like I had mentioned in the last two posts. However, it wasn’t long before I started finding it very overwhelming and difficult to keep up, to the point where apathy was slowly creeping in. I stopped caring, and wasn’t sure how I was going to muster the motivation to make it to the end of what was already a shortened program (roughly 6 months). In my defence, there was A LOT packed in to that 6 months – I believe by the end it would have been 12 courses all together.

Any way… There was a strike. If you live in Canada (or maybe just Ontario?), you know ALL about it. The strike went on for over a month! This happened right when I was beginning to lose faith, and interest. Long story short – the break sort of cemented my internal, quiet, semi-in-denial decision not to continue with the program. Any tiny bit of momentum I had left, I lost within the first two weeks of the strike, and I cannot tell you how relieved I was when they announced after the strike ended that students could apply to withdraw with a full refund of their tuition. Normally, at this point in the semester, I would not have been able to withdraw and get my money back. It’s almost as if whatever powers that be knew that this was just not happening for me, and decided to give me a bit of a break, and allow me to sort of undo a bit of the damage that would have been done should I have not made it through the program.

OK, so now that I’m 28 years old and have a diploma, but very little work experience of any value (in terms of duration at any one company), I have now had to really face what may just be a reality for me – I may not be able to work. At least, not in any traditional manner. I mean, everyone sort of knew this already, but I, especially, did not want to believe it. I wanted to just get my SHIT together, and go and be normal. Get a job, make friends, impress the boss, have benefits, and a steady paycheque. Now, the sort of life I have always wanted (to be my own boss, make my own hours), may be the only viable option for me – but my confidence is nearly non-existent, and I have NO idea anymore what I would want to do. Everything just seems impossible now. A pipe dream.

(You should totally watch this show)

I’ve flirted with the idea of starting a YouTube channel and seeing where that goes, but I’m sort of terrified of being on camera. Plus, what would it be about? It’s hard to have a successful YouTube channel if it doesn’t have a focus.

I’ve thought about selling my watercolour paintings. Practicing and getting better, until I can produce larger paintings, and maybe even sell the originals, plus prints.

I’ve thought about doing editing – proofreading, essentially. But I have no idea where to start, and again, that does require some level of reliability. I’m just not sure anymore that I can be at all reliable.

So, here we are… Thankfully, the stars seem to be aligning in some regard – because I have a good gynaecologist looking after me (I have some hormonal imbalance going on that is causing me not to ovulate and to over-produce the lining of my womb, and not shed it properly every month, which could eventually lead to cancer – hooray!), and the medical team that my family doctor is part of just had a certified psycho-therapist join the team once a week (and they are covered by OHIP!), so I should be able to see them to talk about… well, my very deep deep hatred for myself. I know, I know… hatred it a strong word, but don’t freak out! I’m not about to kill myself or anything, even if the idea of disappearing into an abyss is, at times, very inviting. But I believe the many many years with PMDD – the cycling from being normal for one or two weeks a month, to completely and utterly useless for two weeks of the month, has worn on my self-esteem in profound ways that may take a long time to untangle. I didn’t even know that I had PMDD until a couple of years ago – and while it helps to know, in a way, I haven’t had a tonne of success in treating it.

And so continues the “journey” to… what? Self-acceptance? Success? I have no idea anymore what to work towards, because I don’t know if my PMDD will continue to get worse as it has since I turned 25. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to keep a job, or keep anything going for any significant length of time. I don’t know if one day my PMDD will just become so bad that I turn to surgery in a desperate attempt to escape this horrible, vicious cycle – or if that will even help. Hello surgical menopause in your thirties! Woop! Woop!

Symptoms of PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder):

• Severe depression/feelings of hopelessness/apathy
• Inability to focus/persistent brain fog
• FATIGUE – this is a big one and cannot be stressed enough

Ok, I have to pause here to really illustrate this as best I can. I have lived a life without PMDD – it happened before I got my period, and even within the first years where it wasn’t as severe. So I know what it’s like to be “normal tired”. PMDD tired is BRUTAL. I literally lose days every cycle, both around ovulation and during the two weeks leading up to my period SLEEPING all day. Back when I was working full-time, and did not know yet that I had PMDD, I would have to miss a day or several days every month due to this. If I forced myself to go to work on one of the days where my body would be screaming for sleep and rest, I would spend the entire morning – until noon or later, just trying to wake up. I couldn’t stay on task, I could barely keep my head up off my desk. I would go through cups of coffee and still, nothing. By the end of the day, I would have accomplished very little. I would go home, feeling like I was crawling the entire way, desperate for bed, and I would GO TO BED. As soon as I got home. And because at this point I lived alone, this meant I didn’t eat anything that night. This would happen over and over again – EVERY MONTH. Eventually leading to burn-out, as is to be expected, I would imagine, when you’re barely eating because it takes every ounce of energy you have just to make it TO WORK, let alone be productive at work during those two weeks of PMDD hell. By the 6 month mark, when I would inevitably either lose my job or quit, it would be a WELCOME BREAK, because I would be beyond exhausted. I get that some people may think – that’s just life, but NO. I can barely function during this time. It would be like a normal person getting a horrible stomach flu every month for two weeks, with a fever and everything, plus crippling fatigue, and trying to keep up at work. Sure, if it happens once or twice a year, not as big a deal, but EVERY. FUCKING. MONTH. It adds up, and eventually your body literally gives out. 

Okay, back to the list…

• Withdrawal (during PMDD, I barely want to be seen or heard, I want to hide, it’s akin to becoming temporarily agoraphobic)
• Anxiety/paranoia
• Changes in appetite low/high/cravings
• Disrupted sleep patterns

That’s it, for the most part. For some with PMDD, this list looks a little different, but this is how MY PMDD works. It’s a perfect recipe for FUCK YOU. Seriously, it is no wonder I have not had any success in getting any sort of ball rolling when every month I lose momentum in such a monumentally severe way. I literally become a different person. No longer outgoing, no interest in doing pretty much anything, lethargic all the time, low appetite OR intense cravings, crippling anxiety, and absolutely zero ability to focus on anything.

I guess we will just have to see what the future holds for me, because right now, I literally have no clue anymore. I can’t even make plans – I can’t even hope right now. It feels dangerous to plan, or even ponder. So here’s to going in to another new year with zero plans – other than maybe trying to fail again at another part-time job, and to start therapy. OH, and to hopefully not get cancer of the womb 🙂

My PMDD every month… 

 

The Adopted Adult (trys) to Grow Up

Hello all,

That’s right, I’m baaaaaaaaack.

I didn’t even like The Shining. Sorry, Kubrick.

So, as I’m sure you can see, this blog has slowly devolved to become a glorified, shiny, printed, open journal-of-sorts. Quite frankly, I no longer give a fuck (lies). Any way…

I lost another job (wah-wahhh), but, although it was still a major bummer, I did care less this time (progress?). I think, no, I know I dealt with it a lot better because instead of bawling my eyes out and thinking “what am I going to tell the boyfriend?!”, as well as saying fuck a few times and then apologizing profusely to some coworkers (maybe that’s a bit of a clue), I just basically listened patiently to their bullshit story until I couldn’t stomach any more of it, told them that I disagreed with their reasoning, and in very highfalutin political jargon essentially said “this is bullshit”, then asked to leave…

Boo-ya!

I did break a little and cried when I said goodbye to one of the sweetest coworkers I’ve ever had, but that was it. I went home and cried some more, but moreso out of exhaustion than anything. Really, is there anything worse after a long job search than having to search again after only a month and a half of employment? Not really. In the end, though, I ended up feeling mostly like that snazzy guy in the picture above.

Soon before I lost the job, I started seeing a psychologist. Originally, that was for reasons completely unrelated to work, (it was mostly due to my own seeming inability to feel secure in a relationship) – but it has slowly evolved to be about a whole lot more. I think it’s a good thing.

Most of you probably don’t know that I was adopted. In fact, most of you probably think, OK, so what? Well, that’s what I used to think, as well. However, having come to my “wits end”, in regard to all things identity and attachment in my adult life, I have started to consider the implications of adoption and how it may affect the adoptee in adulthood. Upon further investigation, it has become clear that I am struggling to “get my shit together” like many adult adoptees do, due to issues with identity, self-worth and attachment.

Yup, that’s right. Shit’s gettin’ real. You see, I’m far too smart to be struggling like this. That’s RIGHT, I am owning something, and at this point it is my intelligence. Losing jobs, lacking direction, pushing people away… This will not lead me to the life I desire, nor to the success that I KNOW I could achieve and enjoy.

I know I spoke earlier of starting another blog for the health and wellness stuff. I thought about starting a whole new blog to talk about my findings in regard to adoption, and if I do decide to meet my birth relatives, about reunion. However, this blog is the one I am most proud of. I know, with a title like Ballbag and Taint, mothers everywhere are cringing at the thought of their own daughter proudly at the helm of such a thing, but this sort of humour, language and rawness is the closest, most purest “Me” to have yet graced this planet (aside from that time where I mooned the fine establishment that was my high school).

Gloryyy!

To elaborate a bit – adoptees grow up lacking something extremely primitive that everyone who grows up in their natural family take for granted – genetic cues. Now, I don’t have all of the info on this yet in order to use some awesome science-y jargon to explain it, but, essentially, this is like asking a calculator to find an answer for you without you giving it all of the information it needs. This is by no means the fault of the adoptive parents, but this lack of information happens regardless of their love and support, and literally cannot be avoided due to the fact that the biological relatives are not around AT ALL.

Also, there is a subtle lack of validation to your existence when little things like facial similarities, hair colour, eye colour, gait, body language, scent, talents and preferences are not there to be mirrored back to the developing child as they grow. This is not information that is very consciously absorbed by us as we grow, but it does help, in a subtle way, to validate one’s existence. This is why many adoptees, especially as adults, often have trouble with identity and self-worth. In fact, many of us, including myself, often have trouble acknowledging that we have any value. In some ways, it is a foreign idea as we did not have that primitive validation as a child.

On the much more uncomfortable topic of attachment, well, aside from the obvious – the trauma of the initial separation of baby from mother at birth, the adoptee grows up facing many “relinquishments” or rejections. Especially if the adoptive family is very different from the adoptee, there can be so much misunderstanding, confusion, and hurt in the raising of the child that rejection just becomes a part of their being. You can see how this could affect the adult adoptee when it comes to relationships and career (*cough, cough* – being fired many times).

Nancy Verrier, a psychologist, author, mother, and adoptive mother, has written two books on the subject. The first being “The Primal Wound”, and the second being “Coming Home to Self”. She talks about how the initial trauma of the separation creates pathways in the brain that are based on the trauma of being relinquished at birth. She goes on to point out that adoptees often display traits very similar to those who suffer from PTSD. The major difference being that we (adoptees) tend to think that the PTSD version of ourselves IS, in fact, who we are, because there is no pre-trauma personality. I found this very interesting, mostly because it makes so much sense. As a result, so many adoptees are diagnosed with ADD as a child, due to their always being in a state of “hyper vigilance”.

Let me take a moment here to clarify a little what hypervigilance often feels and looks like, because the use of the word “hyper” here can be very misleading. In my own experience, it’s not an abundance of energy, or an extreme cognizant sense of “something bad is going to/could happen at any moment”, so much as a paralyzing fear so deep that it simply impairs ones ability to make decisions, to lose oneself in a project, task or hobby, or to do something that would distract one from being able to constantly, albeit passively, observe their surroundings. 

As you can well imagine, this hypervigilance (which is essentially just this stupid cloud that fogs up the brain), can really get in the way of forming a personality. If you are unable to stay focused for very long on anything, it’s hard for it to really sink in. This applies to learning, as well. In fact, it has been my experience that this hypervigilance makes learning that much harder when the intent is to learn. It seems that learning is much easier for someone who is constantly in a state of hypervigilance when it happens by accident. I can only assume this is because the adoptee then doesn’t realize they are no longer passively observing their surroundings. Instead, they have switched to a state of passively learning.

That’s a complicated topic, for sure. I am only just beginning to put some of the pieces together, here, so bear with me.

I will not delve too much further in to it today. I only just started reading Coming Home to Self last night. There are a lot of parallels between adoptees and those with PTSD, and those who dealt with trauma during childhood, like sexual abuse, which I will try to correlate and explain in a later post (mostly to do with self-blame). For now, here is a long, but really great lecture on adoption that you can watch on YouTube.

That’s all for now, bitches!

On Figuring Shit Out, and Being Idle in Order To Get There

There is nothing worse (for me, at least) than being completely directionless. I’m all for goal-setting – in fact, I think it’s extremely important to always have some small, manageable goals on the go to keep you motivated and to encourage constant learning and growth, but if you literally can’t figure out what direction you want to move in, sometimes it can be hard to focus on any goals at all (like getting up at a reasonable hour).

Life is tough.

That, my friends, is what I have been struggling with ever since I was canned. I feel it’s safe to say that I went through the entire “being lost” and mourning process, and have come out the other side again smitten with myself, and my brilliant ability to make a positive out of a negative. I think they call that being adaptable, or some shit.

Now, I know this isn’t in the usual angry-rant realm of some of my other BB&T posts, and I have considered starting another blog centered more around these “inspirational” posts, but decided – FUCK THAT. I still desire to move forward in life not hiding my many quirks, and the fact that I’m an adorable young woman who happens to look anywhere between the ages of 12-21 but is a diehard fan of the likes of comedian Bill Burr (ahhh yah fucking copper-haired cunt!), director Kevin Smith, and twisted writers like the brilliant Scott Snyder and Mark Millar is reason enough to continue to proudly don the title of Taint (that’s me!).

So the blog will remain Ballbag & Taint. Plus, I’m sure I’ll need an outlet for angry rants again in the future. Although apparently Michael Bay will not be directing the next Transformers film, so I may be at a complete loss for angry content for quite some time.

It’s a trap!

So, to finally come back ’round to the point – sometimes, I’ve realized, what you need to do when you simply cannot focus on goals and goal-setting, is literally nothing at all. It’s difficult and can be extremely frusturating when you know deep-down you have a personal responsibility, to yourself, and to those who may be helping you through whatever tough time you’re going through to be taking steps to figure out your next move in life, but being idle can play a big part in letting you sub-consciously mull things over and reach a conclusion – possibly even a tough conclusion.

I’m not sure this would necessarily work for everyone… Some people are okay drifting from one thing to another, and keeping busy doing something while they try to figure things out, but for others (and possibly, especially for those with ADD), there is a need to have a concrete reason behind doing whatever you’re doing at the time. I find that, if I don’t feel that whatever I’m doing (i.e. – work) is helping me get to wherever it is I want to be going, I cannot maintain the motivation to keep doing it. So, with this in mind I finally decided – after a couple really tough and directionless months of bouncing from one idea to another and trying to at least appear to care about finding another job, I just let it all go, and self-induced some good ol’ boredom.

It worked! Through not putting any pressure on myself to be job hunting like a beast, and simply making sure I was comfortable and happy, I finally found inspiration by accident (and isn’t it always the way). It was by a happy many accidents that lead me to discover an inspirational individual, and a local company who at least appears to be all about what I finally understand is a major passion of mine – changing the way we work in the 21st century. Now, there is nothing better than connecting the dots like this. I have been outraged, hurt, flabbergasted, demoralized, confused and frustrated with the way employees have been managed and treated in pretty much every job I have had since my first job as a teenager.

I understand retail is often a breeding-grounds for all kinds of conflict – you have your people who do not care at all, the job is temporary or they are a teenager who’s parents told them they had better start saving for college, and then you have the person who cares WAY too much, the go-getter, the one who eventually becomes manager. They care about the business and getting ahead, but not necessarily about the people they work with, or who now work under them. They are so ambitious – so why isn’t everyone else? They have been on their own since they were 16, and had to work their way to the top. Well, that’s great, and we respect that, but not all of us want that – and if we all did, we’d all be trying for your job there, Mr, or Ms Manager person.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Bearing all of this in mind, I realized that this is something I have known about myself for a long time now. I’m not exactly sure what discoveries lead me to finally realize that I should be exploring the realm of Human Resources as a possible career path, but I am glad that I finally put two and two together. What did I learn about myself through all of this? Well, in order to stay motivated and interested in my work, I need to feel I am working towards, or advocating for a cause I feel very strongly about. I need to feel like I am making a difference. I mean, I couldn’t shut up about workplace health and happiness during the depressing lunch hour at my previous job – all the signs were there! Sometimes, I think we may keep ourselves almost too busy to hear what we, ourselves, are actually saying.

What do your rants and ravings tell you about yourself? What do you take the time to advocate for outside of work? What discoveries will being idle bring to you?

Fired!

I’m going to start this post as I always do – in the middle. I’ve had a bit of an awful day, full of ups and downs (of which I will only partially blame on hormones), research, tears and some brief moments of enlightenment.

Recently, I have been told that it is very likely that I have ADD. I’m sure this comes as no surprise to anyone that has read my previous posts, but having been told in my late teens/early twenties that I likely do NOT have ADD, it has thrown me for a bit of a loop. The main body of my day has been spent researching the topic, and for the most part I could not relate with the struggles of others who had it, namely celebrities.

This was one of the searches I conducted “celebrities with ADD”. I was overjoyed to see the likes of Jim Carrey, Will Smith and Woody Harrelson listed among the celebrities that have reported being diagnosed with ADD, or ADHD – but the one that stood out the most to me was Michele Rodriguez. She is one of my favourite actresses – always possessing a very strong female presence, with plenty of attitude to boot.

Plus, she’s absolutely gorgeous!

She reported having troubles concentrating when she is alone.

Now THAT I can relate to. I spent the majority of the day unable to concentrate, and at times fell into a serious rut.

NEWSFLASH: I spent the day entirely alone.

I often feel that way when I am sent home – which is what I’m beginning to call it. I come up with excuses to leave… a great example today is my rather spontaneous trip to Best Buy to obtain an inexpensive printer (main reason why to be revealed later on in the post) – and then contemplated on my way home doing what I so often do now, which is sitting in the guest parking lot in the car, doing whatever I can using my phone and listening to music. I simply DO NOT want to be confined to my room, alone.

For me, having learned that I am not alone (ha!) in my inability to be productive when I am alone is a major breakthrough. I used to believe this restlessness was connected to a co-dependency issue, or worse. However, I have spent a couple long-term, live-in relationships developing my independence in terms of my own circle of friends, hobbies, and interests (and finances) to the point that I very willingly seek stimuli OUTSIDE of my relationships. So I know that it’s not that I am necessarily in need of attention, or AFRAID to be alone – I just find it easier to concentrate and be inspired and productive when I am not alone. It quiets the mind.

A good example of that would be that I would have spent a great deal of the afternoon immersed in making a delicious and healthy dinner – if I had the means, and a good environment in which to do so, and of course, someone to then share it with. Perhaps the act of sharing itself, is part of what motivates me.

Now that I have that out of the way…

I’m back at square one, folks. A little over a week ago I was canned from my “first real job”. At the time, I didn’t take it personally – and I think, in a way, I’m still not taking it personally on a social level. The more experience I get as an adult in this world, the more flawed I find it to be (imagine that). Although I’ve been told my whole life that I’m different, and although I’ve been “rejected” many times at school, at work, in relationships and friendships, because of the way I personally go about things, it is still not something I see as solely a problem with myself. My recent depression and shot to my confidence has more to do with the question of – well, if I didn’t fit in THERE, where do I fit in? Or more importantly, how do I proceed in this life, in this world, as a creative adult?

My research has taken me through boring, and depressingly dry articles on the “epidemic” of ADD/ADHD in children and adults, and the means of treating it mostly through behavioural modification and medication. The conclusion I have come to is this… I don’t believe in it. I don’t believe in it as a condition that needs to be treated this way. I believe that you can slap the label of “ADD/ADHD” on almost any creative or innovative thinker, and that the problem is not with “us”, but with the lack of progression in the way we approach daily life in schools and in our places of work. Apparently this makes me a genius on the level of professor’s with PhD’s, because this amazing gentleman completely agrees with me.

Wasn’t the illustration and animation in that thing incredible? Kudos to whomever created that presentation.The voice you heard actually presenting the information that you saw so cleverly “drawn” right before your eyes, was none other than Sir Ken Robinson (PhD). He has become one of my new idols, and he too disagrees with this sentiment.

RANDOM NOTE: Apparently more men than women are diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, which may explain why I have always found it easier to make friends with males. Just a thought…

So all of this brings me back to some of what I talked about in my previous post (On Sitting and Standing). A prime example of our lack of innovation and forward progression is having known for, however long we’ve known for, that sitting for prolonged periods of time is BAD for us, but still doing nothing about it. We also know that repetitive heavy lifting of objects, or simply standing for hours on end is terrible for our bodies, and minds. We KNOW this is bad for us, but we still deem it to be OK, and something that we should, all of us, not SERIOUSLY complain about having to do at WORK.

Now that I’m looking into going back to school for health, fitness and well-being promotion, I realize that schools still go about things the same way they always have, too. In a straight line, with the main goal of making money and producing drones that can simply regurgitate what they’ve been taught, and simply show up to work, coffee in hand with a smile on their face – whether they are happy or not. Not to say that everyone that has been able to turn a passion into their work is always wide-eyed and bushy-tailed when they start their day… but, it’s the difference of satisfaction at the END of the day.

Ken talks about his ideal place of learning being much more flexible, with no heavy preference towards mathematics/sciences and language vs. the arts. He sees that by the time kids turn 13 or 14, they are starting to develop preferences, and their personal talents and strengths start to shine through. This is where school REALLY needs to change and adapt. At this point, there needs to be a way of personalizing that individual’s curriculum and schedule to consider EVERYTHING about them. Ken also sees that different people work better at different times of the day, and some kids may have a higher social maturity than others, and be more comfortable in a class with older kids. This is something I’ve been saying since I dropped out of high school. I also think this is a great time to travel and explore, and to even get work experience. The cherry on top would be to implement all of this to our current education system, while completely removing the pressure to go to college, and to decide before you’re 18yrs old WHAT you want to do for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

I mean, look at me. I’ve been to college twice now, and I’m only 25. I’ve had many MANY different jobs, mostly in retail. I’ve traveled, I’ve moved around and been through a couple serious relationship in which I learned a lot about myself, and I still don’t know how someone like ME fits into this world. Mayhap, if I had had more opportunities to personalize my education, or even to prolonge it (I sincerely feel like I should still be in school, exploring and learning as many different subjects as interest me), that I would at the very least FEEL more successful than I do now. And maybe even have a better idea of what I do want to do. How I wish to contribute… Right now, a lot of it is stifled simply by the way things ARE.

I have no interest in getting another job in another company that is stuck using the same business model that their father’s used running their businesses, savy? I also have no interest in becoming successful only by conforming to the way things currently are, because that is not a solution to the problem. That doesn’t help anyone else… that just allows me to MAYBE pay off my school loans by the time I’m wearing adult diapers. This is where you might say… well that… DEPENDS 😉

Who am I kidding, I could probably use these NOW.

So… My conclusion is that I’m right, and always have been. The problem isn’t me, or my friends – many of whom have been diagnosed with some sort of mental illness, and were either bullied in school, had troubles in school, or are the black sheep in their families. It is with our general lack of progress as a society on a WHOLE. We do not approach education – which is where we SHOULD be developing our personal strengths in preparation for becoming a contributing INDIVIDUAL of society, in a way that encourages or promotes our individual talents. What our schools are essentially doing is promoting one thing, computation for consistent output. You know what? We have COMPUTERS for that. I strongly believe that we are not properly utilizing firstly, what we KNOW, and secondly, technology, to change the way we approach education and work.

I guess the question now is… what do I have to do to help change this?

My recent printer purchase is for research, but mostly for printing off resumes. Unless I decide to scrap the whole kit and kaboodle, and move (TEMPORARILY) back home – I’m going to have to find another job. In the mean time, however, I have a lot to think about.

My goal is to promote positive change. I may not have been raised in a manner that promoted my personal talents, but it’s not too late to find out what they are, and then apply them to help others. If there is anything I care about, it’s about the freedom to be who you are.

Perhaps my teenaged-self, prepared to storm the world one Wal-Mart at a time in a movement I called “End the Rat Race”, wasn’t far off, after all.