Reunion of Strangers

Hello everyone. I’m going to try to pepper in some humour, as I usually do, but this post may lean far more to the serious side than others – just a warning.

Pepper-in… Get it? Heh.

As you all know from my last two posts, I have begun to embark on a journey of self-discovery via seeking out my biological mother. In the past this is not something I ever thought I would do, nor would want to do. However, after continuously hitting many of the same “walls” in life, mostly in regard to relationships and identity (i.e. – what do I want to do for a career?), I decided with the help of a very talented psychologist that this might be something I want to explore.

At the very least, I realized that it could give me a better understanding of my heritage, and provide for me some sort of validation that I have yet to really find of my mere existence in this world.

Although I can not say that I’ve ever really thought of myself as “incomplete” or “yet to be fully born”, I can say that the experience of learning more about adoption and the issues common to adult adoptees has brought to the forefront, or made more extreme, the feelings I can have of floating in the ether of the world, not really belonging anywhere. I think part of the reason this never really bothered me before is that I’m OK floating in the ether and not “belonging”. If I continue to be a bit of a misfit that is fine with me. However, planting my feet firmly on the proverbial terra ferma of what is me, is looking to be crucial to my finding any success in the working world.

This is where I am going to change my focus to any fellow adoptees out there. I am going to be sharing a bit of my experience with you, just in case you are considering seeking out your birth family as well. There are feelings that seem to be fairly common during this time of discovery for all adoptees, so I am documenting them here to help enlighten you.

On Reunion 

I was talking to a good friend, and fellow adoptee earlier today. I refer to him sometimes, playfully, as my “brother from another adoptive mother”. We met in high school and have been good friends since. We don’t talk very often anymore, but have gone through a surprising amount together. I imagine part of what brought us together was our shared experience of being adopted. We had very different homes that we were raised in, for example; he grew up with a sister who was also adopted, whereas I grew up an only child. Also, my family was fairly well-off, whereas his lived a much more modest life.

Neither of us had an easy time of it, regardless. I realize now that our childhood and early youth were extremely turbulent. As a result, in a way, we are very close. Earlier this morning I confided in him that I am struggling a lot with this experience. I found my birth mother, and have since started correspondence with her via email. I told him that it has been an extremely odd experience thus far. It feels very surreal and distant, yet, I’m clearly in the thick of it.

Even as I write this – I may sound like I have all of my shit together, but believe me, I do not. I seem, even to myself, very disconnected to what is happening. However, the amount of emotions I’m experiencing and the questions that have arisen are overwhelming to a degree where half of the time I have no idea what is going on.

I’ve received several emails from my birth mother now, and yet, I still can’t believe that she is real. Hilariously, or sadly, or frighteningly, adoptees tend to experience much of life in this way. Where so many things can happen, or be said, yet just not be registered by the adoptee. Ask any of my previous partners, or even my adoptive parents and they can attest to this. Some things just do not sink in.

It’s okay sometimes, but as an adult, this phenomenon is just not acceptable, and frankly, very scary. In fact, it feels as if I’ve had some mild form of Alzheimer’s disease my entire life. There are people I know who can remember that “this” happened when they were “x” years old. I can very rarely, if ever, remember when in my history certain events happened. It’s frightening.

Any way… To get back to the story. In explaining to my friend what it feels like, I came up with what seems to be a very good analogy.

It’s like meeting a stranger who was in the same car accident you were in years ago, but in different cars. Neither of you knew the other was there, but when you meet, you feel connected because of that event. Because the event was traumatic, turbulent, and dramatic for both of you, meeting each other brings up all of these emotions, and in a way, takes you back to the event. Which, for anyone who suffers from PTSD, can be a very difficult thing to deal with.

If you have ever known anyone with PTSD related to something that happened to them – i.e. childhood abuse, being mugged, sexual abuse in college, war – whatever it happened to be, the smallest, seemingly unrelated content can trigger an “attack” that causes them to recall the event and experience the emotions and psychological distress of it over again. Can you imagine involuntarily experiencing extreme fear in response to something seemingly insignificant? Now, try to imagine getting over something in which EVERY DAY, something “common place” and seemingly innocuous triggers a panic attack. How does one “get on” with life when your trauma keeps slapping you across the face?

Now, imagine that you cannot even recall the event itself. How do you pinpoint when what you are feeling and experiencing is related to the thing that happened, versus what is happening right now? A boss at work makes a comment in jest that your brain registers as rejection, and immediately your heart starts preparing for the let down. Perhaps you start to distance yourself, leaving your boss and coworkers a little confused. Mistaking your being quiet and keeping to yourself as anti-social behaviour – “clearly she doesn’t want to be here”. Why keep seeking human interaction when you don’t even know how you might react?

Questions

Preparing to meet my birth mother, and possibly other biological family members, has brought up so many questions that tend to flash through my mind in fast succession. It’s as if they are too overwhelming to consider one at a time.

Questions like; What if the experience changes me? What if I feel more connected to my birth mother than my adoptive mother? What if I become more invested in having a relationship with her and my biological family, and creep them out? What if my half-siblings dislike me because I grew up having more than they did, because their mother – my birth mother, gave me up for adoption?

It’s a cacophony of questions, emotions, and confusion going on in my head right now. In many ways there are moments where I feel like I have regressed entirely. In others, it feels like my capacity for love, to be adult, and to be present in the moment is completely shot. I honestly have no idea what is going on.

There is also excitement. There are moments where I am very excited to learn more about my heritage. I even look forward to meeting my birth mother. However, the weight and depth of this experience is not lost on me. Although I know that this may not change me (even if I do worry that it will), I do know that this will change my life. It already has. Perhaps the reality of that is already sinking in.

I’ve had 3 panic attacks within the last month. They seem to come out of nowhere and mean nothing. I just feel like I am dying, I hyperventilate and cry. The first of the three was the most intense. I lost my hearing temporarily and came close to blacking out. I have started to recognize that panic attacks happen in this early phase of growth. I have experienced periods in my life where I become withdrawn, anxious, unable to cope with human interaction and have panic attacks. It seems to just be what I do when at the beginning of a transformation.

To any fellow adoptees out there who are reading this, I hope that my sharing some of my own experience with this helps you to at least prepare. Or maybe to recognize what you are going through and make it a little easier to deal with. The fact that I have been able to recognize that my panic attacks tend to happen during periods of extreme growth has helped me deal with them a little better.

In Summation

Life is hard. This experience has proven to be far more intense than I ever thought possible. Adoptees can be very good at shrugging things off and appearing like a serious situation is no big deal. However, when it comes to seeking and meeting your birth mother, there is no way to do that. You will not be able to, and should not attempt to shrug it off as “no big deal”. It is a big deal. As Nancy Verrier says, the biological connection between mother and baby is extremely primitive and really cannot be understood, but should not be denied.

It’s important for all involved in reunion to understand that finding your birth mother/parents has nothing to do with your adoptive parents. It’s about finding you, learning about your heritage and genetic history, and reconnecting to the person who gave birth to you.

Nancy Verrier quotes an adoptee who put it very well, she says:

“Mom and Dad, yes you are my Mom and Dad, but your ancestors are not my ancestors”

Incredible. Very on point. I had never really thought of it that way before, but that puts it in perspective in the best way possible.

Here is the first part of a 3-part interview with Nancy that does a great job of summarizing the issues, politics, and gravity of adoption that society often overlooks.

I think, as adoptees, we eat those feelings a lot. It had become common place for me, and probably is for most adoptees, to not care or to not be curious anymore about your genetic background after the 50th time you hear someone marvelling at a baby, and how much he or she looks like the mother or father. It gets tiresome, having people make comments about your heritage and having to say, “actually, I’m adopted”. You often get the, “Oh…”, response.

‘Cause why not?

Validation, Vindication & Awareness

The learning continues…

Today I want to talk more about my findings regarding the implications of adoption and trauma on the developing child, especially in regard to the adoptees tendency to disregard their importance, or to not feel valid.

This may go unnoticed as an issue by others. Oftentimes it is registered by others as a sense of callousness on the part of the adoptee. Ignorance as well, and rightly so. However, when dealing with an adoptee, especially when teaching them, it is very important to point these things out as what they are.

What they are, for an adoptee, is not ignorance or callousness so much so as a very deep-seated sense that they don’t matter. What I am beginning to understand about this is that this seemingly natural, or “default setting” is due to the fact that an adoptees very first experience in the world was of immediate separation from mother, of (oftentimes – although I am unsure in my own case) crying for the mother to no avail. This very first learning experience taught the brain that they have no affect.

You may be wondering, then, why I titled this post “Validation, Vindication and Awareness”. Well, as well as sharing what I am learning by reading “Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up” by Nancy Verrier (see this post for the first in this “series”), I am also trying to share my experience of it. At times there is an overwhelming sense of anxiety in learning about the real affects of that initial separation. It is registered by the brain as trauma. However, in learning about this, and connecting the dots, it has brought so much validation to my own confusion about how I have behaved and felt my entire life.

The vindication comes in the form of Nancy, the author of the book, who eventually speaks directly to the adoptee (or reader), stating that it is okay, that you have indeed been misunderstood, and that she is there to help fight for you. Even today, despite all of the research, the importance of the initial bonding between natural mother and child is downplayed to a frightening degree (even in families where the child is not put up for adoption – i.e. a mother who returns to work immediately after birth). This is why the process of adoption is never thought of as a traumatic experience. There are many many other reasons, many of them political, emotional and otherwise, but oftentimes adoptees issues go unnoticed and the vindication is just not there that something is wrong that has nothing to do with who they are.

So, unlike in the case of someone who has been diagnosed with depression, bi-polar disorder, or as agoraphobic (although those people still face a lot of doubt and ridicule from others), adoptees issues go without name. Sure, there may be suspicions, sometimes people who are not very aware of or sensitive to the gravity of emotions involved in the adoption triad may ask upon learning about it “does it bother you?” (this question is most often directed at the adoptee, but can also be directed at the other two members of the triad), or, “do you know anything about the real mom?”.

Meanwhile, aside from those often inappropriate but clearly uneducated questions, the question of “have you researched the affects of adoption on development and mental health?” (which is the the question I believe should be asked to every single person in the adoption triad before the process even begins) goes unasked. If that is not possible, then it certainly should be asked of the adoptee once they are old enough to understand the material, especially if confusing issues arise.

This brings to me awareness. Along with the help of my psychologist, I am beginning to understand what parts of my development have been natural, and which stages, or rather, reactions to those stages, have been a little off kilter. For example, while it is known that all teenagers become quite unruly, the idea that ALL teenagers do to an extreme degree is a myth. Not all teenagers, as soon as puberty hits, immediately pulls away from their parents. It is the lack of mirroring during this stage of life that can really cause an adoptee teen to reject their adoptive family.

This is helping me to detach myself from those behaviours, and to start seeing that a lot of the developmental issues that arose during my growth were not ME, but the trauma. This awareness will be extremely helpful in starting to separate dysfunction from self. This could also help strengthen the bonds between adoptee and adoptive parents, as it sheds light on some of the hurtful behaviours that may have been exhibited in the earlier parts of life. In this way it is understood that it wasn’t the adoptee, nor the adoptive parents, it was simply behaviour as a means of communicating the unresolved loss and trauma inside.

All very serious stuff. I have tried to pepper in some humour, as humour, I find, can help in the learning process. It’s not just a great way to bring levity to an uncomfortable moment or topic 😉  Learning should be fun.

That is all for today. There is still a lot to learn, and nothing will change overnight. Things like bad drivers, inconsiderate people and ignorance will continue to annoy and disappoint us. For now, though…

The Adopted Adult (trys) to Grow Up

Hello all,

That’s right, I’m baaaaaaaaack.

I didn’t even like The Shining. Sorry, Kubrick.

So, as I’m sure you can see, this blog has slowly devolved to become a glorified, shiny, printed, open journal-of-sorts. Quite frankly, I no longer give a fuck (lies). Any way…

I lost another job (wah-wahhh), but, although it was still a major bummer, I did care less this time (progress?). I think, no, I know I dealt with it a lot better because instead of bawling my eyes out and thinking “what am I going to tell the boyfriend?!”, as well as saying fuck a few times and then apologizing profusely to some coworkers (maybe that’s a bit of a clue), I just basically listened patiently to their bullshit story until I couldn’t stomach any more of it, told them that I disagreed with their reasoning, and in very highfalutin political jargon essentially said “this is bullshit”, then asked to leave…

Boo-ya!

I did break a little and cried when I said goodbye to one of the sweetest coworkers I’ve ever had, but that was it. I went home and cried some more, but moreso out of exhaustion than anything. Really, is there anything worse after a long job search than having to search again after only a month and a half of employment? Not really. In the end, though, I ended up feeling mostly like that snazzy guy in the picture above.

Soon before I lost the job, I started seeing a psychologist. Originally, that was for reasons completely unrelated to work, (it was mostly due to my own seeming inability to feel secure in a relationship) – but it has slowly evolved to be about a whole lot more. I think it’s a good thing.

Most of you probably don’t know that I was adopted. In fact, most of you probably think, OK, so what? Well, that’s what I used to think, as well. However, having come to my “wits end”, in regard to all things identity and attachment in my adult life, I have started to consider the implications of adoption and how it may affect the adoptee in adulthood. Upon further investigation, it has become clear that I am struggling to “get my shit together” like many adult adoptees do, due to issues with identity, self-worth and attachment.

Yup, that’s right. Shit’s gettin’ real. You see, I’m far too smart to be struggling like this. That’s RIGHT, I am owning something, and at this point it is my intelligence. Losing jobs, lacking direction, pushing people away… This will not lead me to the life I desire, nor to the success that I KNOW I could achieve and enjoy.

I know I spoke earlier of starting another blog for the health and wellness stuff. I thought about starting a whole new blog to talk about my findings in regard to adoption, and if I do decide to meet my birth relatives, about reunion. However, this blog is the one I am most proud of. I know, with a title like Ballbag and Taint, mothers everywhere are cringing at the thought of their own daughter proudly at the helm of such a thing, but this sort of humour, language and rawness is the closest, most purest “Me” to have yet graced this planet (aside from that time where I mooned the fine establishment that was my high school).

Gloryyy!

To elaborate a bit – adoptees grow up lacking something extremely primitive that everyone who grows up in their natural family take for granted – genetic cues. Now, I don’t have all of the info on this yet in order to use some awesome science-y jargon to explain it, but, essentially, this is like asking a calculator to find an answer for you without you giving it all of the information it needs. This is by no means the fault of the adoptive parents, but this lack of information happens regardless of their love and support, and literally cannot be avoided due to the fact that the biological relatives are not around AT ALL.

Also, there is a subtle lack of validation to your existence when little things like facial similarities, hair colour, eye colour, gait, body language, scent, talents and preferences are not there to be mirrored back to the developing child as they grow. This is not information that is very consciously absorbed by us as we grow, but it does help, in a subtle way, to validate one’s existence. This is why many adoptees, especially as adults, often have trouble with identity and self-worth. In fact, many of us, including myself, often have trouble acknowledging that we have any value. In some ways, it is a foreign idea as we did not have that primitive validation as a child.

On the much more uncomfortable topic of attachment, well, aside from the obvious – the trauma of the initial separation of baby from mother at birth, the adoptee grows up facing many “relinquishments” or rejections. Especially if the adoptive family is very different from the adoptee, there can be so much misunderstanding, confusion, and hurt in the raising of the child that rejection just becomes a part of their being. You can see how this could affect the adult adoptee when it comes to relationships and career (*cough, cough* – being fired many times).

Nancy Verrier, a psychologist, author, mother, and adoptive mother, has written two books on the subject. The first being “The Primal Wound”, and the second being “Coming Home to Self”. She talks about how the initial trauma of the separation creates pathways in the brain that are based on the trauma of being relinquished at birth. She goes on to point out that adoptees often display traits very similar to those who suffer from PTSD. The major difference being that we (adoptees) tend to think that the PTSD version of ourselves IS, in fact, who we are, because there is no pre-trauma personality. I found this very interesting, mostly because it makes so much sense. As a result, so many adoptees are diagnosed with ADD as a child, due to their always being in a state of “hyper vigilance”.

Let me take a moment here to clarify a little what hypervigilance often feels and looks like, because the use of the word “hyper” here can be very misleading. In my own experience, it’s not an abundance of energy, or an extreme cognizant sense of “something bad is going to/could happen at any moment”, so much as a paralyzing fear so deep that it simply impairs ones ability to make decisions, to lose oneself in a project, task or hobby, or to do something that would distract one from being able to constantly, albeit passively, observe their surroundings. 

As you can well imagine, this hypervigilance (which is essentially just this stupid cloud that fogs up the brain), can really get in the way of forming a personality. If you are unable to stay focused for very long on anything, it’s hard for it to really sink in. This applies to learning, as well. In fact, it has been my experience that this hypervigilance makes learning that much harder when the intent is to learn. It seems that learning is much easier for someone who is constantly in a state of hypervigilance when it happens by accident. I can only assume this is because the adoptee then doesn’t realize they are no longer passively observing their surroundings. Instead, they have switched to a state of passively learning.

That’s a complicated topic, for sure. I am only just beginning to put some of the pieces together, here, so bear with me.

I will not delve too much further in to it today. I only just started reading Coming Home to Self last night. There are a lot of parallels between adoptees and those with PTSD, and those who dealt with trauma during childhood, like sexual abuse, which I will try to correlate and explain in a later post (mostly to do with self-blame). For now, here is a long, but really great lecture on adoption that you can watch on YouTube.

That’s all for now, bitches!