There is nothing worse (for me, at least) than being completely directionless. I’m all for goal-setting – in fact, I think it’s extremely important to always have some small, manageable goals on the go to keep you motivated and to encourage constant learning and growth, but if you literally can’t figure out what direction you want to move in, sometimes it can be hard to focus on any goals at all (like getting up at a reasonable hour).
That, my friends, is what I have been struggling with ever since I was canned. I feel it’s safe to say that I went through the entire “being lost” and mourning process, and have come out the other side again smitten with myself, and my brilliant ability to make a positive out of a negative. I think they call that being adaptable, or some shit.
Now, I know this isn’t in the usual angry-rant realm of some of my other BB&T posts, and I have considered starting another blog centered more around these “inspirational” posts, but decided – FUCK THAT. I still desire to move forward in life not hiding my many quirks, and the fact that I’m an adorable young woman who happens to look anywhere between the ages of 12-21 but is a diehard fan of the likes of comedian Bill Burr (ahhh yah fucking copper-haired cunt!), director Kevin Smith, and twisted writers like the brilliant Scott Snyder and Mark Millar is reason enough to continue to proudly don the title of Taint (that’s me!).
So the blog will remain Ballbag & Taint. Plus, I’m sure I’ll need an outlet for angry rants again in the future. Although apparently Michael Bay will not be directing the next Transformers film, so I may be at a complete loss for angry content for quite some time.
So, to finally come back ’round to the point – sometimes, I’ve realized, what you need to do when you simply cannot focus on goals and goal-setting, is literally nothing at all. It’s difficult and can be extremely frusturating when you know deep-down you have a personal responsibility, to yourself, and to those who may be helping you through whatever tough time you’re going through to be taking steps to figure out your next move in life, but being idle can play a big part in letting you sub-consciously mull things over and reach a conclusion – possibly even a tough conclusion.
I’m not sure this would necessarily work for everyone… Some people are okay drifting from one thing to another, and keeping busy doing something while they try to figure things out, but for others (and possibly, especially for those with ADD), there is a need to have a concrete reason behind doing whatever you’re doing at the time. I find that, if I don’t feel that whatever I’m doing (i.e. – work) is helping me get to wherever it is I want to be going, I cannot maintain the motivation to keep doing it. So, with this in mind I finally decided – after a couple really tough and directionless months of bouncing from one idea to another and trying to at least appear to care about finding another job, I just let it all go, and self-induced some good ol’ boredom.
It worked! Through not putting any pressure on myself to be job hunting like a beast, and simply making sure I was comfortable and happy, I finally found inspiration by accident (and isn’t it always the way). It was by a happy many accidents that lead me to discover an inspirational individual, and a local company who at least appears to be all about what I finally understand is a major passion of mine – changing the way we work in the 21st century. Now, there is nothing better than connecting the dots like this. I have been outraged, hurt, flabbergasted, demoralized, confused and frustrated with the way employees have been managed and treated in pretty much every job I have had since my first job as a teenager.
I understand retail is often a breeding-grounds for all kinds of conflict – you have your people who do not care at all, the job is temporary or they are a teenager who’s parents told them they had better start saving for college, and then you have the person who cares WAY too much, the go-getter, the one who eventually becomes manager. They care about the business and getting ahead, but not necessarily about the people they work with, or who now work under them. They are so ambitious – so why isn’t everyone else? They have been on their own since they were 16, and had to work their way to the top. Well, that’s great, and we respect that, but not all of us want that – and if we all did, we’d all be trying for your job there, Mr, or Ms Manager person.
Bearing all of this in mind, I realized that this is something I have known about myself for a long time now. I’m not exactly sure what discoveries lead me to finally realize that I should be exploring the realm of Human Resources as a possible career path, but I am glad that I finally put two and two together. What did I learn about myself through all of this? Well, in order to stay motivated and interested in my work, I need to feel I am working towards, or advocating for a cause I feel very strongly about. I need to feel like I am making a difference. I mean, I couldn’t shut up about workplace health and happiness during the depressing lunch hour at my previous job – all the signs were there! Sometimes, I think we may keep ourselves almost too busy to hear what we, ourselves, are actually saying.
What do your rants and ravings tell you about yourself? What do you take the time to advocate for outside of work? What discoveries will being idle bring to you?
Ballbag & Taint 