Validation, Vindication & Awareness

The learning continues…

Today I want to talk more about my findings regarding the implications of adoption and trauma on the developing child, especially in regard to the adoptees tendency to disregard their importance, or to not feel valid.

This may go unnoticed as an issue by others. Oftentimes it is registered by others as a sense of callousness on the part of the adoptee. Ignorance as well, and rightly so. However, when dealing with an adoptee, especially when teaching them, it is very important to point these things out as what they are.

What they are, for an adoptee, is not ignorance or callousness so much so as a very deep-seated sense that they don’t matter. What I am beginning to understand about this is that this seemingly natural, or “default setting” is due to the fact that an adoptees very first experience in the world was of immediate separation from mother, of (oftentimes – although I am unsure in my own case) crying for the mother to no avail. This very first learning experience taught the brain that they have no affect.

You may be wondering, then, why I titled this post “Validation, Vindication and Awareness”. Well, as well as sharing what I am learning by reading “Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up” by Nancy Verrier (see this post for the first in this “series”), I am also trying to share my experience of it. At times there is an overwhelming sense of anxiety in learning about the real affects of that initial separation. It is registered by the brain as trauma. However, in learning about this, and connecting the dots, it has brought so much validation to my own confusion about how I have behaved and felt my entire life.

The vindication comes in the form of Nancy, the author of the book, who eventually speaks directly to the adoptee (or reader), stating that it is okay, that you have indeed been misunderstood, and that she is there to help fight for you. Even today, despite all of the research, the importance of the initial bonding between natural mother and child is downplayed to a frightening degree (even in families where the child is not put up for adoption – i.e. a mother who returns to work immediately after birth). This is why the process of adoption is never thought of as a traumatic experience. There are many many other reasons, many of them political, emotional and otherwise, but oftentimes adoptees issues go unnoticed and the vindication is just not there that something is wrong that has nothing to do with who they are.

So, unlike in the case of someone who has been diagnosed with depression, bi-polar disorder, or as agoraphobic (although those people still face a lot of doubt and ridicule from others), adoptees issues go without name. Sure, there may be suspicions, sometimes people who are not very aware of or sensitive to the gravity of emotions involved in the adoption triad may ask upon learning about it “does it bother you?” (this question is most often directed at the adoptee, but can also be directed at the other two members of the triad), or, “do you know anything about the real mom?”.

Meanwhile, aside from those often inappropriate but clearly uneducated questions, the question of “have you researched the affects of adoption on development and mental health?” (which is the the question I believe should be asked to every single person in the adoption triad before the process even begins) goes unasked. If that is not possible, then it certainly should be asked of the adoptee once they are old enough to understand the material, especially if confusing issues arise.

This brings to me awareness. Along with the help of my psychologist, I am beginning to understand what parts of my development have been natural, and which stages, or rather, reactions to those stages, have been a little off kilter. For example, while it is known that all teenagers become quite unruly, the idea that ALL teenagers do to an extreme degree is a myth. Not all teenagers, as soon as puberty hits, immediately pulls away from their parents. It is the lack of mirroring during this stage of life that can really cause an adoptee teen to reject their adoptive family.

This is helping me to detach myself from those behaviours, and to start seeing that a lot of the developmental issues that arose during my growth were not ME, but the trauma. This awareness will be extremely helpful in starting to separate dysfunction from self. This could also help strengthen the bonds between adoptee and adoptive parents, as it sheds light on some of the hurtful behaviours that may have been exhibited in the earlier parts of life. In this way it is understood that it wasn’t the adoptee, nor the adoptive parents, it was simply behaviour as a means of communicating the unresolved loss and trauma inside.

All very serious stuff. I have tried to pepper in some humour, as humour, I find, can help in the learning process. It’s not just a great way to bring levity to an uncomfortable moment or topic 😉  Learning should be fun.

That is all for today. There is still a lot to learn, and nothing will change overnight. Things like bad drivers, inconsiderate people and ignorance will continue to annoy and disappoint us. For now, though…