Validation, Vindication & Awareness

The learning continues…

Today I want to talk more about my findings regarding the implications of adoption and trauma on the developing child, especially in regard to the adoptees tendency to disregard their importance, or to not feel valid.

This may go unnoticed as an issue by others. Oftentimes it is registered by others as a sense of callousness on the part of the adoptee. Ignorance as well, and rightly so. However, when dealing with an adoptee, especially when teaching them, it is very important to point these things out as what they are.

What they are, for an adoptee, is not ignorance or callousness so much so as a very deep-seated sense that they don’t matter. What I am beginning to understand about this is that this seemingly natural, or “default setting” is due to the fact that an adoptees very first experience in the world was of immediate separation from mother, of (oftentimes – although I am unsure in my own case) crying for the mother to no avail. This very first learning experience taught the brain that they have no affect.

You may be wondering, then, why I titled this post “Validation, Vindication and Awareness”. Well, as well as sharing what I am learning by reading “Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up” by Nancy Verrier (see this post for the first in this “series”), I am also trying to share my experience of it. At times there is an overwhelming sense of anxiety in learning about the real affects of that initial separation. It is registered by the brain as trauma. However, in learning about this, and connecting the dots, it has brought so much validation to my own confusion about how I have behaved and felt my entire life.

The vindication comes in the form of Nancy, the author of the book, who eventually speaks directly to the adoptee (or reader), stating that it is okay, that you have indeed been misunderstood, and that she is there to help fight for you. Even today, despite all of the research, the importance of the initial bonding between natural mother and child is downplayed to a frightening degree (even in families where the child is not put up for adoption – i.e. a mother who returns to work immediately after birth). This is why the process of adoption is never thought of as a traumatic experience. There are many many other reasons, many of them political, emotional and otherwise, but oftentimes adoptees issues go unnoticed and the vindication is just not there that something is wrong that has nothing to do with who they are.

So, unlike in the case of someone who has been diagnosed with depression, bi-polar disorder, or as agoraphobic (although those people still face a lot of doubt and ridicule from others), adoptees issues go without name. Sure, there may be suspicions, sometimes people who are not very aware of or sensitive to the gravity of emotions involved in the adoption triad may ask upon learning about it “does it bother you?” (this question is most often directed at the adoptee, but can also be directed at the other two members of the triad), or, “do you know anything about the real mom?”.

Meanwhile, aside from those often inappropriate but clearly uneducated questions, the question of “have you researched the affects of adoption on development and mental health?” (which is the the question I believe should be asked to every single person in the adoption triad before the process even begins) goes unasked. If that is not possible, then it certainly should be asked of the adoptee once they are old enough to understand the material, especially if confusing issues arise.

This brings to me awareness. Along with the help of my psychologist, I am beginning to understand what parts of my development have been natural, and which stages, or rather, reactions to those stages, have been a little off kilter. For example, while it is known that all teenagers become quite unruly, the idea that ALL teenagers do to an extreme degree is a myth. Not all teenagers, as soon as puberty hits, immediately pulls away from their parents. It is the lack of mirroring during this stage of life that can really cause an adoptee teen to reject their adoptive family.

This is helping me to detach myself from those behaviours, and to start seeing that a lot of the developmental issues that arose during my growth were not ME, but the trauma. This awareness will be extremely helpful in starting to separate dysfunction from self. This could also help strengthen the bonds between adoptee and adoptive parents, as it sheds light on some of the hurtful behaviours that may have been exhibited in the earlier parts of life. In this way it is understood that it wasn’t the adoptee, nor the adoptive parents, it was simply behaviour as a means of communicating the unresolved loss and trauma inside.

All very serious stuff. I have tried to pepper in some humour, as humour, I find, can help in the learning process. It’s not just a great way to bring levity to an uncomfortable moment or topic 😉  Learning should be fun.

That is all for today. There is still a lot to learn, and nothing will change overnight. Things like bad drivers, inconsiderate people and ignorance will continue to annoy and disappoint us. For now, though…

On Figuring Shit Out, and Being Idle in Order To Get There

There is nothing worse (for me, at least) than being completely directionless. I’m all for goal-setting – in fact, I think it’s extremely important to always have some small, manageable goals on the go to keep you motivated and to encourage constant learning and growth, but if you literally can’t figure out what direction you want to move in, sometimes it can be hard to focus on any goals at all (like getting up at a reasonable hour).

Life is tough.

That, my friends, is what I have been struggling with ever since I was canned. I feel it’s safe to say that I went through the entire “being lost” and mourning process, and have come out the other side again smitten with myself, and my brilliant ability to make a positive out of a negative. I think they call that being adaptable, or some shit.

Now, I know this isn’t in the usual angry-rant realm of some of my other BB&T posts, and I have considered starting another blog centered more around these “inspirational” posts, but decided – FUCK THAT. I still desire to move forward in life not hiding my many quirks, and the fact that I’m an adorable young woman who happens to look anywhere between the ages of 12-21 but is a diehard fan of the likes of comedian Bill Burr (ahhh yah fucking copper-haired cunt!), director Kevin Smith, and twisted writers like the brilliant Scott Snyder and Mark Millar is reason enough to continue to proudly don the title of Taint (that’s me!).

So the blog will remain Ballbag & Taint. Plus, I’m sure I’ll need an outlet for angry rants again in the future. Although apparently Michael Bay will not be directing the next Transformers film, so I may be at a complete loss for angry content for quite some time.

It’s a trap!

So, to finally come back ’round to the point – sometimes, I’ve realized, what you need to do when you simply cannot focus on goals and goal-setting, is literally nothing at all. It’s difficult and can be extremely frusturating when you know deep-down you have a personal responsibility, to yourself, and to those who may be helping you through whatever tough time you’re going through to be taking steps to figure out your next move in life, but being idle can play a big part in letting you sub-consciously mull things over and reach a conclusion – possibly even a tough conclusion.

I’m not sure this would necessarily work for everyone… Some people are okay drifting from one thing to another, and keeping busy doing something while they try to figure things out, but for others (and possibly, especially for those with ADD), there is a need to have a concrete reason behind doing whatever you’re doing at the time. I find that, if I don’t feel that whatever I’m doing (i.e. – work) is helping me get to wherever it is I want to be going, I cannot maintain the motivation to keep doing it. So, with this in mind I finally decided – after a couple really tough and directionless months of bouncing from one idea to another and trying to at least appear to care about finding another job, I just let it all go, and self-induced some good ol’ boredom.

It worked! Through not putting any pressure on myself to be job hunting like a beast, and simply making sure I was comfortable and happy, I finally found inspiration by accident (and isn’t it always the way). It was by a happy many accidents that lead me to discover an inspirational individual, and a local company who at least appears to be all about what I finally understand is a major passion of mine – changing the way we work in the 21st century. Now, there is nothing better than connecting the dots like this. I have been outraged, hurt, flabbergasted, demoralized, confused and frustrated with the way employees have been managed and treated in pretty much every job I have had since my first job as a teenager.

I understand retail is often a breeding-grounds for all kinds of conflict – you have your people who do not care at all, the job is temporary or they are a teenager who’s parents told them they had better start saving for college, and then you have the person who cares WAY too much, the go-getter, the one who eventually becomes manager. They care about the business and getting ahead, but not necessarily about the people they work with, or who now work under them. They are so ambitious – so why isn’t everyone else? They have been on their own since they were 16, and had to work their way to the top. Well, that’s great, and we respect that, but not all of us want that – and if we all did, we’d all be trying for your job there, Mr, or Ms Manager person.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Bearing all of this in mind, I realized that this is something I have known about myself for a long time now. I’m not exactly sure what discoveries lead me to finally realize that I should be exploring the realm of Human Resources as a possible career path, but I am glad that I finally put two and two together. What did I learn about myself through all of this? Well, in order to stay motivated and interested in my work, I need to feel I am working towards, or advocating for a cause I feel very strongly about. I need to feel like I am making a difference. I mean, I couldn’t shut up about workplace health and happiness during the depressing lunch hour at my previous job – all the signs were there! Sometimes, I think we may keep ourselves almost too busy to hear what we, ourselves, are actually saying.

What do your rants and ravings tell you about yourself? What do you take the time to advocate for outside of work? What discoveries will being idle bring to you?