Well…

And here we are again, unemployed, with another failure under our belt. I think it’s safe to say that – IF I am going to be able to keep any sort of job, or move forward in any way, it is going to take a lot of work.

I don’t want to say that I’ve given up, because I don’t think I have, but… OK, let me tell you what happened first. I did get accepted into college for Graphic Design, like I had mentioned in the last two posts. However, it wasn’t long before I started finding it very overwhelming and difficult to keep up, to the point where apathy was slowly creeping in. I stopped caring, and wasn’t sure how I was going to muster the motivation to make it to the end of what was already a shortened program (roughly 6 months). In my defence, there was A LOT packed in to that 6 months – I believe by the end it would have been 12 courses all together.

Any way… There was a strike. If you live in Canada (or maybe just Ontario?), you know ALL about it. The strike went on for over a month! This happened right when I was beginning to lose faith, and interest. Long story short – the break sort of cemented my internal, quiet, semi-in-denial decision not to continue with the program. Any tiny bit of momentum I had left, I lost within the first two weeks of the strike, and I cannot tell you how relieved I was when they announced after the strike ended that students could apply to withdraw with a full refund of their tuition. Normally, at this point in the semester, I would not have been able to withdraw and get my money back. It’s almost as if whatever powers that be knew that this was just not happening for me, and decided to give me a bit of a break, and allow me to sort of undo a bit of the damage that would have been done should I have not made it through the program.

OK, so now that I’m 28 years old and have a diploma, but very little work experience of any value (in terms of duration at any one company), I have now had to really face what may just be a reality for me – I may not be able to work. At least, not in any traditional manner. I mean, everyone sort of knew this already, but I, especially, did not want to believe it. I wanted to just get my SHIT together, and go and be normal. Get a job, make friends, impress the boss, have benefits, and a steady paycheque. Now, the sort of life I have always wanted (to be my own boss, make my own hours), may be the only viable option for me – but my confidence is nearly non-existent, and I have NO idea anymore what I would want to do. Everything just seems impossible now. A pipe dream.

(You should totally watch this show)

I’ve flirted with the idea of starting a YouTube channel and seeing where that goes, but I’m sort of terrified of being on camera. Plus, what would it be about? It’s hard to have a successful YouTube channel if it doesn’t have a focus.

I’ve thought about selling my watercolour paintings. Practicing and getting better, until I can produce larger paintings, and maybe even sell the originals, plus prints.

I’ve thought about doing editing – proofreading, essentially. But I have no idea where to start, and again, that does require some level of reliability. I’m just not sure anymore that I can be at all reliable.

So, here we are… Thankfully, the stars seem to be aligning in some regard – because I have a good gynaecologist looking after me (I have some hormonal imbalance going on that is causing me not to ovulate and to over-produce the lining of my womb, and not shed it properly every month, which could eventually lead to cancer – hooray!), and the medical team that my family doctor is part of just had a certified psycho-therapist join the team once a week (and they are covered by OHIP!), so I should be able to see them to talk about… well, my very deep deep hatred for myself. I know, I know… hatred it a strong word, but don’t freak out! I’m not about to kill myself or anything, even if the idea of disappearing into an abyss is, at times, very inviting. But I believe the many many years with PMDD – the cycling from being normal for one or two weeks a month, to completely and utterly useless for two weeks of the month, has worn on my self-esteem in profound ways that may take a long time to untangle. I didn’t even know that I had PMDD until a couple of years ago – and while it helps to know, in a way, I haven’t had a tonne of success in treating it.

And so continues the “journey” to… what? Self-acceptance? Success? I have no idea anymore what to work towards, because I don’t know if my PMDD will continue to get worse as it has since I turned 25. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to keep a job, or keep anything going for any significant length of time. I don’t know if one day my PMDD will just become so bad that I turn to surgery in a desperate attempt to escape this horrible, vicious cycle – or if that will even help. Hello surgical menopause in your thirties! Woop! Woop!

Symptoms of PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder):

• Severe depression/feelings of hopelessness/apathy
• Inability to focus/persistent brain fog
• FATIGUE – this is a big one and cannot be stressed enough

Ok, I have to pause here to really illustrate this as best I can. I have lived a life without PMDD – it happened before I got my period, and even within the first years where it wasn’t as severe. So I know what it’s like to be “normal tired”. PMDD tired is BRUTAL. I literally lose days every cycle, both around ovulation and during the two weeks leading up to my period SLEEPING all day. Back when I was working full-time, and did not know yet that I had PMDD, I would have to miss a day or several days every month due to this. If I forced myself to go to work on one of the days where my body would be screaming for sleep and rest, I would spend the entire morning – until noon or later, just trying to wake up. I couldn’t stay on task, I could barely keep my head up off my desk. I would go through cups of coffee and still, nothing. By the end of the day, I would have accomplished very little. I would go home, feeling like I was crawling the entire way, desperate for bed, and I would GO TO BED. As soon as I got home. And because at this point I lived alone, this meant I didn’t eat anything that night. This would happen over and over again – EVERY MONTH. Eventually leading to burn-out, as is to be expected, I would imagine, when you’re barely eating because it takes every ounce of energy you have just to make it TO WORK, let alone be productive at work during those two weeks of PMDD hell. By the 6 month mark, when I would inevitably either lose my job or quit, it would be a WELCOME BREAK, because I would be beyond exhausted. I get that some people may think – that’s just life, but NO. I can barely function during this time. It would be like a normal person getting a horrible stomach flu every month for two weeks, with a fever and everything, plus crippling fatigue, and trying to keep up at work. Sure, if it happens once or twice a year, not as big a deal, but EVERY. FUCKING. MONTH. It adds up, and eventually your body literally gives out. 

Okay, back to the list…

• Withdrawal (during PMDD, I barely want to be seen or heard, I want to hide, it’s akin to becoming temporarily agoraphobic)
• Anxiety/paranoia
• Changes in appetite low/high/cravings
• Disrupted sleep patterns

That’s it, for the most part. For some with PMDD, this list looks a little different, but this is how MY PMDD works. It’s a perfect recipe for FUCK YOU. Seriously, it is no wonder I have not had any success in getting any sort of ball rolling when every month I lose momentum in such a monumentally severe way. I literally become a different person. No longer outgoing, no interest in doing pretty much anything, lethargic all the time, low appetite OR intense cravings, crippling anxiety, and absolutely zero ability to focus on anything.

I guess we will just have to see what the future holds for me, because right now, I literally have no clue anymore. I can’t even make plans – I can’t even hope right now. It feels dangerous to plan, or even ponder. So here’s to going in to another new year with zero plans – other than maybe trying to fail again at another part-time job, and to start therapy. OH, and to hopefully not get cancer of the womb 🙂

My PMDD every month… 

 

I’m the Nut-bar: Ergophobia, and an Update

Well, Christmas is upon us again and I’m back to being myself. Which is to say, certifiably insane.

I do a good job of hiding it, I’ve come to realize. Which maybe isn’t helping me much. I should be seeing a therapist weekly, but I don’t have the money, and I can’t really outwardly prove how much I need it.

So, buckle up. Here comes the “rant”. I’m going to pick at my scabs and re-open the self-inflicted wounds that is my work history. Where to begin?!

Replace dumped with fired, and I think this is probably a good place to begin.

What seems like many a moon ago, I had a part-time job at Pet Valu. The fact that I could barely deliver on that job should probably have been a clue, but hey. I digress… So, we’re coming up on Christmas, and I’m having trouble getting to work on time most shifts, but once there, I’m engaged and doing my job well, maybe even making a friend or two. Of course, the manager cares less about that and more about my lack of punctuality. Something I am realizing is one of the symptoms of my Ergophobia, or, Social Anxiety (Ergophobia is the fear of work, which is of course rooted in social anxiety).

Think about people who are purposely late to dates, or who don’t text back or are very noncommittal in relationships. They often do this as a means of beating you to the rejection. Just apply this to work, and voila! You’ve got a recipe for a life of failure. 

This might explain why I am often jealous of those people. They often have no problems keeping jobs, but relationships? Phew. Still, at the end of the day, a job allows you to support yourself, a relationship, does not. I’d rather have relationship phobia, at this point.

Any way, I have gone WAY off track. So, at Pet Valu, we get a new part-timer. I’m told that this young lady is here just for seasonal help over the Christmas holiday. However, my spidey-senses are tingling. Sure enough, she hits it off with all of the staff, and, unlike yours truly, is rarely late.

In an attempt to stay professional while simultaneously calming my own nerves, I approach the manager to ask if I can still expect to have the same hours after the Christmas holidays, she assures me that yes, all is well and I will not lose any hours come the New Year.

Let’s fast-forward to the New Year. I head off to my first shift. I think it was January 2nd, or something like that. It’s Monday morning, I believe. I go in, ready to work, and immediately get called to speak to the manager in her little makeshift office in the back of the store. I’m sure you know what’s coming next… I get fired. I’m pretty devastated. I know, I know, I can hear you A-types and well adjusted folks saying – well it’s your own damn fault for being perpetually late! Yes, well that may be, but it doesn’t really matter now, does it?

Regardless of the reasons, I was assured that all was well and that I was not about to lose my job. Instead, I found myself feeling a lot like that tree, only, with bills and shit to pay. Jobless, rejected, abandoned. The rug pulled right out from under me, after being told that it wasn’t going to happen, and right after Christmas.

Now, I’ll save you from further torture and skip the other sob story of losing my first “real” job a few years ago in a very similar fashion (being told all was well and then coming in one day, only to be called to speak to HR or the supervisor and sacked). The result of these many different job failures has essentially been workplace PTSD. I have been working two days a week (already missed two days), for the past three weeks. THREE WEEKS ONLY – and already I have had a major panic attack. Oh, and I won’t bother going over how I lost the last full-time job I had, roughly a year ago now. Suffice it to say, it was in a very similar “rug out from under you” fashion. Only this time, I HAD NOT BEEN LATE ONCE. Assholes.

./÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷ bn

Whoops, sorry. That was my cat. Moving on.

Maybe I will find a way to make a living based on my plethora of mental illness. You know, become a female comedian or something, like Maria Bamford. I’ve thought about that, but, hilariously enough, successful comedians are typically successful because of their OCD and work-alcholism. They are usually anxious in the opposite direction – meaning, they are ALWAYS early, hate being late, and spend more time being productive jut out of an anxiety-driven need to always being doing something. Of course, these people are also exceptional in some way, and beloved by many.

So we rule that one out!

Of course, it doesn’t help that I grew up surrounded by well-adjusted pillars of strength and integrity. I think I am deathly afraid of disappointing my parents or ever seeming ungrateful in any way that I freeze, finding it difficult to move in any direction due to all the perceived opportunities to, well, fuck up.

Me.

It’s funny, because I’m not necessarily a shy person, or even an introverted one. I may have social anxiety, but I have no trouble being in large groups, or even speaking in front of a bunch of people. I have a decent grasp of common sense, and I’m insightful and fairly intellectual as well. I have good manners, and know how to conduct myself in public. I just get extremely anxious committing to a job, and subsequently, being trapped there when I find myself wanting to blow the place up because, the clock is ticking, everyone is working like little minions at their desks, and HOW IS THIS LIFE?!?!?

Phew. Sorry, almost let crazy pants out of her little closet there.

UPDATE TIME

So, I’m finally doing it. I’m going back to school. I’m going to go back to College, not University (because, let’s be real, I’m no academic). This time, it’s for Graphic Design.

I had seriously considered full-blown University for Humanities, because, Philosophy and all of that awesome stuff. However, the commitment involved is, frankly, immense. I don’t believe I have it in me.

So, with taking Graphic Design instead, I hope to find my tribe and meet other like-minded, creative weirdoes and do something like creative brand consulting, web design or something of that ilk. Something where, hopefully, I can work from home, or at least feel like I am in more control of my level of success or failure. Basically, I can’t fire myself… Yes, I can fail, but at least I will see it coming. I hope.

It is worth a try. I think the first test will be seeing if I can handle having a commitment to go to almost every day. That will be hurdle number one. I guess after that we’ll have to see whether it will be more medication trials, therapy, or both.

However, in the mean time…

I’ll be being crazy.

On Figuring Shit Out, and Being Idle in Order To Get There

There is nothing worse (for me, at least) than being completely directionless. I’m all for goal-setting – in fact, I think it’s extremely important to always have some small, manageable goals on the go to keep you motivated and to encourage constant learning and growth, but if you literally can’t figure out what direction you want to move in, sometimes it can be hard to focus on any goals at all (like getting up at a reasonable hour).

Life is tough.

That, my friends, is what I have been struggling with ever since I was canned. I feel it’s safe to say that I went through the entire “being lost” and mourning process, and have come out the other side again smitten with myself, and my brilliant ability to make a positive out of a negative. I think they call that being adaptable, or some shit.

Now, I know this isn’t in the usual angry-rant realm of some of my other BB&T posts, and I have considered starting another blog centered more around these “inspirational” posts, but decided – FUCK THAT. I still desire to move forward in life not hiding my many quirks, and the fact that I’m an adorable young woman who happens to look anywhere between the ages of 12-21 but is a diehard fan of the likes of comedian Bill Burr (ahhh yah fucking copper-haired cunt!), director Kevin Smith, and twisted writers like the brilliant Scott Snyder and Mark Millar is reason enough to continue to proudly don the title of Taint (that’s me!).

So the blog will remain Ballbag & Taint. Plus, I’m sure I’ll need an outlet for angry rants again in the future. Although apparently Michael Bay will not be directing the next Transformers film, so I may be at a complete loss for angry content for quite some time.

It’s a trap!

So, to finally come back ’round to the point – sometimes, I’ve realized, what you need to do when you simply cannot focus on goals and goal-setting, is literally nothing at all. It’s difficult and can be extremely frusturating when you know deep-down you have a personal responsibility, to yourself, and to those who may be helping you through whatever tough time you’re going through to be taking steps to figure out your next move in life, but being idle can play a big part in letting you sub-consciously mull things over and reach a conclusion – possibly even a tough conclusion.

I’m not sure this would necessarily work for everyone… Some people are okay drifting from one thing to another, and keeping busy doing something while they try to figure things out, but for others (and possibly, especially for those with ADD), there is a need to have a concrete reason behind doing whatever you’re doing at the time. I find that, if I don’t feel that whatever I’m doing (i.e. – work) is helping me get to wherever it is I want to be going, I cannot maintain the motivation to keep doing it. So, with this in mind I finally decided – after a couple really tough and directionless months of bouncing from one idea to another and trying to at least appear to care about finding another job, I just let it all go, and self-induced some good ol’ boredom.

It worked! Through not putting any pressure on myself to be job hunting like a beast, and simply making sure I was comfortable and happy, I finally found inspiration by accident (and isn’t it always the way). It was by a happy many accidents that lead me to discover an inspirational individual, and a local company who at least appears to be all about what I finally understand is a major passion of mine – changing the way we work in the 21st century. Now, there is nothing better than connecting the dots like this. I have been outraged, hurt, flabbergasted, demoralized, confused and frustrated with the way employees have been managed and treated in pretty much every job I have had since my first job as a teenager.

I understand retail is often a breeding-grounds for all kinds of conflict – you have your people who do not care at all, the job is temporary or they are a teenager who’s parents told them they had better start saving for college, and then you have the person who cares WAY too much, the go-getter, the one who eventually becomes manager. They care about the business and getting ahead, but not necessarily about the people they work with, or who now work under them. They are so ambitious – so why isn’t everyone else? They have been on their own since they were 16, and had to work their way to the top. Well, that’s great, and we respect that, but not all of us want that – and if we all did, we’d all be trying for your job there, Mr, or Ms Manager person.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Bearing all of this in mind, I realized that this is something I have known about myself for a long time now. I’m not exactly sure what discoveries lead me to finally realize that I should be exploring the realm of Human Resources as a possible career path, but I am glad that I finally put two and two together. What did I learn about myself through all of this? Well, in order to stay motivated and interested in my work, I need to feel I am working towards, or advocating for a cause I feel very strongly about. I need to feel like I am making a difference. I mean, I couldn’t shut up about workplace health and happiness during the depressing lunch hour at my previous job – all the signs were there! Sometimes, I think we may keep ourselves almost too busy to hear what we, ourselves, are actually saying.

What do your rants and ravings tell you about yourself? What do you take the time to advocate for outside of work? What discoveries will being idle bring to you?

Fired!

I’m going to start this post as I always do – in the middle. I’ve had a bit of an awful day, full of ups and downs (of which I will only partially blame on hormones), research, tears and some brief moments of enlightenment.

Recently, I have been told that it is very likely that I have ADD. I’m sure this comes as no surprise to anyone that has read my previous posts, but having been told in my late teens/early twenties that I likely do NOT have ADD, it has thrown me for a bit of a loop. The main body of my day has been spent researching the topic, and for the most part I could not relate with the struggles of others who had it, namely celebrities.

This was one of the searches I conducted “celebrities with ADD”. I was overjoyed to see the likes of Jim Carrey, Will Smith and Woody Harrelson listed among the celebrities that have reported being diagnosed with ADD, or ADHD – but the one that stood out the most to me was Michele Rodriguez. She is one of my favourite actresses – always possessing a very strong female presence, with plenty of attitude to boot.

Plus, she’s absolutely gorgeous!

She reported having troubles concentrating when she is alone.

Now THAT I can relate to. I spent the majority of the day unable to concentrate, and at times fell into a serious rut.

NEWSFLASH: I spent the day entirely alone.

I often feel that way when I am sent home – which is what I’m beginning to call it. I come up with excuses to leave… a great example today is my rather spontaneous trip to Best Buy to obtain an inexpensive printer (main reason why to be revealed later on in the post) – and then contemplated on my way home doing what I so often do now, which is sitting in the guest parking lot in the car, doing whatever I can using my phone and listening to music. I simply DO NOT want to be confined to my room, alone.

For me, having learned that I am not alone (ha!) in my inability to be productive when I am alone is a major breakthrough. I used to believe this restlessness was connected to a co-dependency issue, or worse. However, I have spent a couple long-term, live-in relationships developing my independence in terms of my own circle of friends, hobbies, and interests (and finances) to the point that I very willingly seek stimuli OUTSIDE of my relationships. So I know that it’s not that I am necessarily in need of attention, or AFRAID to be alone – I just find it easier to concentrate and be inspired and productive when I am not alone. It quiets the mind.

A good example of that would be that I would have spent a great deal of the afternoon immersed in making a delicious and healthy dinner – if I had the means, and a good environment in which to do so, and of course, someone to then share it with. Perhaps the act of sharing itself, is part of what motivates me.

Now that I have that out of the way…

I’m back at square one, folks. A little over a week ago I was canned from my “first real job”. At the time, I didn’t take it personally – and I think, in a way, I’m still not taking it personally on a social level. The more experience I get as an adult in this world, the more flawed I find it to be (imagine that). Although I’ve been told my whole life that I’m different, and although I’ve been “rejected” many times at school, at work, in relationships and friendships, because of the way I personally go about things, it is still not something I see as solely a problem with myself. My recent depression and shot to my confidence has more to do with the question of – well, if I didn’t fit in THERE, where do I fit in? Or more importantly, how do I proceed in this life, in this world, as a creative adult?

My research has taken me through boring, and depressingly dry articles on the “epidemic” of ADD/ADHD in children and adults, and the means of treating it mostly through behavioural modification and medication. The conclusion I have come to is this… I don’t believe in it. I don’t believe in it as a condition that needs to be treated this way. I believe that you can slap the label of “ADD/ADHD” on almost any creative or innovative thinker, and that the problem is not with “us”, but with the lack of progression in the way we approach daily life in schools and in our places of work. Apparently this makes me a genius on the level of professor’s with PhD’s, because this amazing gentleman completely agrees with me.

Wasn’t the illustration and animation in that thing incredible? Kudos to whomever created that presentation.The voice you heard actually presenting the information that you saw so cleverly “drawn” right before your eyes, was none other than Sir Ken Robinson (PhD). He has become one of my new idols, and he too disagrees with this sentiment.

RANDOM NOTE: Apparently more men than women are diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, which may explain why I have always found it easier to make friends with males. Just a thought…

So all of this brings me back to some of what I talked about in my previous post (On Sitting and Standing). A prime example of our lack of innovation and forward progression is having known for, however long we’ve known for, that sitting for prolonged periods of time is BAD for us, but still doing nothing about it. We also know that repetitive heavy lifting of objects, or simply standing for hours on end is terrible for our bodies, and minds. We KNOW this is bad for us, but we still deem it to be OK, and something that we should, all of us, not SERIOUSLY complain about having to do at WORK.

Now that I’m looking into going back to school for health, fitness and well-being promotion, I realize that schools still go about things the same way they always have, too. In a straight line, with the main goal of making money and producing drones that can simply regurgitate what they’ve been taught, and simply show up to work, coffee in hand with a smile on their face – whether they are happy or not. Not to say that everyone that has been able to turn a passion into their work is always wide-eyed and bushy-tailed when they start their day… but, it’s the difference of satisfaction at the END of the day.

Ken talks about his ideal place of learning being much more flexible, with no heavy preference towards mathematics/sciences and language vs. the arts. He sees that by the time kids turn 13 or 14, they are starting to develop preferences, and their personal talents and strengths start to shine through. This is where school REALLY needs to change and adapt. At this point, there needs to be a way of personalizing that individual’s curriculum and schedule to consider EVERYTHING about them. Ken also sees that different people work better at different times of the day, and some kids may have a higher social maturity than others, and be more comfortable in a class with older kids. This is something I’ve been saying since I dropped out of high school. I also think this is a great time to travel and explore, and to even get work experience. The cherry on top would be to implement all of this to our current education system, while completely removing the pressure to go to college, and to decide before you’re 18yrs old WHAT you want to do for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

I mean, look at me. I’ve been to college twice now, and I’m only 25. I’ve had many MANY different jobs, mostly in retail. I’ve traveled, I’ve moved around and been through a couple serious relationship in which I learned a lot about myself, and I still don’t know how someone like ME fits into this world. Mayhap, if I had had more opportunities to personalize my education, or even to prolonge it (I sincerely feel like I should still be in school, exploring and learning as many different subjects as interest me), that I would at the very least FEEL more successful than I do now. And maybe even have a better idea of what I do want to do. How I wish to contribute… Right now, a lot of it is stifled simply by the way things ARE.

I have no interest in getting another job in another company that is stuck using the same business model that their father’s used running their businesses, savy? I also have no interest in becoming successful only by conforming to the way things currently are, because that is not a solution to the problem. That doesn’t help anyone else… that just allows me to MAYBE pay off my school loans by the time I’m wearing adult diapers. This is where you might say… well that… DEPENDS 😉

Who am I kidding, I could probably use these NOW.

So… My conclusion is that I’m right, and always have been. The problem isn’t me, or my friends – many of whom have been diagnosed with some sort of mental illness, and were either bullied in school, had troubles in school, or are the black sheep in their families. It is with our general lack of progress as a society on a WHOLE. We do not approach education – which is where we SHOULD be developing our personal strengths in preparation for becoming a contributing INDIVIDUAL of society, in a way that encourages or promotes our individual talents. What our schools are essentially doing is promoting one thing, computation for consistent output. You know what? We have COMPUTERS for that. I strongly believe that we are not properly utilizing firstly, what we KNOW, and secondly, technology, to change the way we approach education and work.

I guess the question now is… what do I have to do to help change this?

My recent printer purchase is for research, but mostly for printing off resumes. Unless I decide to scrap the whole kit and kaboodle, and move (TEMPORARILY) back home – I’m going to have to find another job. In the mean time, however, I have a lot to think about.

My goal is to promote positive change. I may not have been raised in a manner that promoted my personal talents, but it’s not too late to find out what they are, and then apply them to help others. If there is anything I care about, it’s about the freedom to be who you are.

Perhaps my teenaged-self, prepared to storm the world one Wal-Mart at a time in a movement I called “End the Rat Race”, wasn’t far off, after all.

On Sitting and Standing (And all of that shit)

I know that some of you cunts are going to complain about these posts, and how the last two have not been as funny as my D-B-D rants, but you know what? This is my blog, so fuck off!

Self-explanatory

Today I feel overwhelmingly inspired to discuss work – yes, work, again. First off, what ass-hat proposed the idea that any one person should have to either stand all day – or worse (that’s right, I said worse!) … sit. ALL DAY.

Lately, ladies and gentleman, I’ve been feeling like shit. Watching myself age more and more every day. The bags under my eyes seem determined to meet my tits, which incidentally feel the same way about some day meeting my feet. It’s becoming a real issue kids.

Not only are the physical affects becoming more and more visible, but the mental and psychological effects are also starting to become very apparent. It rears its ugly head in the form of a loss of clarity, loss of creativity, loss of motivation and a general lack of ability to cope with every day life. It’s fucking horrible, and it has to stop!

Now, I did an amazing workout tonight.

Feelin’ the burn!

It had been a little over a week since I was able to find the energy and motivation to get my burn-on. I realized today, in absolute horror, that no matter how often I can get my butt out to the gym, it doesn’t seem to be enough to counter-act the negative effects of sitting on my ass ALL-FUCKING-DAY. It is completely depleting my energy stores.

Momentum begets momentum – and I literally cannot do enough “moving” outside of work to make up for all the time I spend sitting in front of a computer. Unless I want to eliminate two of my favourite activities from my daily-diet – sex (fucking!), and movie watching/reading/writing (yes, I lump all of those together into one – as I am sitting for the majority of all of that) – I literally do not have enough time in my week to maintain this balance that I so desperately need (to be happy and healthy). They’ll say of BB&T – in the end, it was the inactivity that killed her.

(I don’t know either…)

*RANT ALERT*

And before any of you nay-saying d-bags move to say something like “that’s just called being an adult”, or some bullshit about life not being a cake-walk – shove it in your fatty pie-holes you dream killing fucks!  I hope you choke on that diabetes-filled pastry of negativity, and die slumped over your boring ass desks as your sad cookie-cutter family looks plainly out at you from within their cheap dollar-store acquired frame of insouciance. Ahhh, you’re all a bunch of a-holes!

It’s people like you that keep perpetuating this cycle of sameness and stagnation – and I will have none of it!

No, really. Who’s to say what’s natural for us? Who’s to say that we can’t change the “norm”. I say it’s hella time we seriously considered health in the workplace.

I felt so much better after tonight’s workout. Working out, or getting any sort of exercise (even if it’s just going for a walk) charges me (hint: it charges you too – if you’re doing it right). This allows me to then work at full capacity. Just check out this dope-ass blog I wrote tonight!

In conclusion… It’s a no-brainer, kids. I mean, come ON. We are currently living in the FUTURE. We are so technologically advanced that you can’t even fart without some new high-tech gadget coming to fruition. Everything points to health clearly becoming a serious issue for society on a whole – so let’s do something about it! What exactly are we waiting for? Two things that we KNOW are extremely bad for health – inactivity, and over-exertion (repetition) are things we pass off as OK in our daily lives because it’s just “work”. What can you do, right? WRONG.

Let us not wait for one of our high-tech devices to sprout limbs and finally show us how it’s done. Because, you know the first iPerson would look at you like – “Dude, you actually sit on your ass ALL day? Do you even KNOW how bad that is for you?” They’d scoff as they presented you with a ton of research and statistics on the matter, and then bounce to go shoot some b-ball outside of the school when a couple of guys, they were up to no good – oh, sorry, that was just The Fresh Prince.

At any rate. I, personally, will be looking for employment in the not-so-distant future that will allow me to do a bit of both standing, and sitting. Even if I do not dedicate my life’s work to this cause, I will do my best to lead by example and to NOT accept to live a fairly sedentary life. Just “work”… please.